[ ] I am bisexual or homosexual.
[ ] I've smoked weed.
[X] I've smoked.
[ ] I've gotten high.
[X] I've consumed alcohol.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I lie to my parents regularly about where I am.
[ ] I've failed 2 or more classes in one marking period.
[ ] I don't like Bush because from what I hear, he is dumb.
[ ] I don't like Bush with my own reasons to back it up.
[ ] I don't care either way about Bush
[ x] I am for Bush.
[X] I listen to political music.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[ ] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[X] I open up to others easily.
[ ] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[ ] I watch the news.
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I own an iPod.
[X] I'm not a virgin.
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[x ] I love Disney Movies.
[ ] I am a sucker for blonde hair/blue eyes.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[ ] I talk in ebonics, except for around black people.
[ ] I curse regularly.
[ ] I paid for that cell phone ring.
[x] I am a sports fanatic.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[x] I've slipped out an "lol" in a real conversation.
[ ] I love Spam.
[ ] I bake well.
[ ] I would not wear pajamas to school.
[x] I own something from Abercrombie.
[ ] I sneak out of the house often.
[ ] I have a job.
[ ] I love Martha Stewart.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I am self conscious.
[x] I like to laugh.
[ ] I smoke a pack a day.
[ ] I loved Perks of Being a Wallflower.
[ ] I loved Go Ask Alice.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I win people over easily.
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[ ] I have many scars.
[x] I've been out of this country.
[ ] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I see a therapist.
[ ] I love white chocolate.
[X] I bite my nails.
[X] I am comfortable with being me

F i r s t s
First best friend: Allison Phang
First car: 1994 Lexus coup
First real kiss: Sophomore year of highschool
First real break-up: (see above)
First screen name: ksmith2002
First self purchased album: Presidents of the united states of america
First funeral: my grandpa, August 2001
First pets: tons of cats
First piercing/tattoo: my ears, october 2002

First credit card: capital one, on my 16th birthday
First true love: well, now that i consider mutual feelings to REALLY describe true love, this would be Geoff Wirth
First enemy: chris ellstrom  (lol)
First big trip: France 1999
First music you remember hearing in your house: Classical music (really lively, my siblings and i would march to it when we were little)

l a s t s
Last car ride: driving from utc back to school today
Last kiss: about an hour ago
Last good cry: um........i dont remember
Last library book checked out: wow, i think the book for my symbolic logic class last year
Last movie seen at the movies: Crash (btw, its amazing)
Last beverage drank: coke
Last food consumed: yummy roast beef/pesto sandwich
Last crush: jarrod bell
Last phone call: my brother, about two hours ago
Last time showered: this morning about eight
Last shoes worn: reefs
Last item bought: lunch
Last annoyance: geoff :)
Last time wanting to die: long time ago
Last time scolded: probably a couple weeks ago

r e l a t i o n s h i p s
01. who are your best friends? here we go: emily S, emily M, laura, lola heidi, katie, kristin, lindsey, margie, cathy, nilmini, mary, jill, heather K, heather W, aubrey, ashley B, ashley R, chelsea, jenn Y, jen, ryan, andrew, jarrod, eric, xavier, jon, and of course.......geoffrey
02. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? yep

f a s h i o n | s t u f f
01. where is your favorite place to shop? american eagle, macy's
02. any tattoos or piercings? just my ears

s p e c i f i c s
01. do you do drugs? no
02. what kind of shampoo do you use? dove

03. what are you most scared of? burglars
04. what are you listening to right now? the hum of the printer in the library
05. where do you want to get married? in a garden somewhere

06. how many buddies are online right now? none

07. what would you change about yourself? smaller tummy and thighs

f a v o r i t e s -
01. color: green
02. food: too many to name
03. boys' names:
04. girls' names:
05. subjects in school: psychology, duh
06. animals: puppies
07. sports: baseball/softball

08. perfume: miracle
09. cologne: farenheight

h a v e | y o u | e v e r
01. given anyone a bath? yes
02. done any drugs? no
03. bungee jumped? no
04. made yourself throw up? no
05. skinny dipped? yep
06: been in love? yes
07. made yourself cry to get out of trouble? no
08. pictured your crush naked? yes
09. actually seen your crush naked? yes
10. cried when someone died? yes
11. lied? yes
12. fallen for your best friend? ive never fallen for anyone else
13. been rejected? several times
14. rejected someone? unfortunately, yes...one of my only regrets

15. used someone? yes
16. done something you regret? yep
c u r r e n t
clothes: pink tank-top, jeans, reefs
music: none
make-up: yep

annoyance: none

smell: library smell
artist: no
desktop picture: none
cd in player: empty
dvd in player: bridget jones' diary II
color of toenails: maroon

l a s t | p e r s o n
you touched: geoff

hugged: emily
you imed: ....
you kissed: geoff

w h o | d o | y o u | w a n n a
kill: rapists, child molestors, you get the picture
slap: nobody
look like: katie holmes
talk to offline: emily, nilmini, ashley
talk to online: anyone

R a n d o m
in the morning i am: relatively calm
all i need is: love
love is: ...a many splendid thing
i dream about: really weird shit
what do you notice first: eyes, teeth, hands

last person you danced with: geoff
worst question to ask: are you pregnant?
who makes you laugh the most: jarrod bell and jon
who makes you smile: all my friends

who has a crush on you: it'd better be more than just a crush
n u m b e r of times
i have had my heart broken: 4
of hearts i have broken: 2
of guys i've kissed: 4
of girls i've kissed: 0
of continents i have lived in: 1
of cds i own: over 200
of scars: 1

again....havent written in a superlong time and honestly i dont know why, seeing as i only have two real classes at the moment and ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!!!!  things have been just peachy-keen lately.......the bf is good, school is good, gotten lots of non-school reading done and have had some awesome convos with good friends that i havent spoken too lately....geoff's friend ashley came over on sat. night and hung out with us.  she is so awesome.....we just had a couple drinks and talked about all the drama that had/is going on up in the 510 in albany.  its so funny that im enthralled in geoff's past life....but you know me, always interested in the drama...

so.......being 21 is awesome and all......except when none of the people you live with are 21 and the only one that is has things to do 24/7.......i wish time would go by faster so i could have more peeps to go out with.......anyways, just silly old me being too shy to go out alone :P........

alright, thats all for now..

wow......havent written since august...........and yet i could have written a novel with all of the thoughts that ive had over the past three months...........thanksgiving is this week and i've been extremely nostalgic recently, almost to the point of nausea.......but alas, it is true.......i actually  miss loma linda and the people that i knew once upon a time.......i miss how things used to be with all the girls......but as much as i miss it, i am so refreshed to know that i can still hang out with old friends and embrace the changes that have culminated in the creation of totally new people..............some things have changed for the better....others for the "different"......and some things havent changed at all......its those that i cling to.........those that i look to for help in accepting the new..........i long to sit down and lola's house and talk about all of the drama that has gone on in the fifteen different lives............talk about the loves, the rejections, the happiness, the sadness, the loneliness, the memories..........although i can't help feeling regret when im with them.....regret that i havent made a better effort to keep them active parts of my life as opposed to passing thoughts.......i know that they all feel the same, but, as always, i like to take on more of the responsibility in the friendship (this of course for the sole purpose of making myself feel bad which in turn makes me sad and motivates me to write heartfelt journals like this one :P)...........but i have found that usually regret results from a situation that you messed up in the past but that you might have an opportunity to make up for in the future......which has brought me to the all to infamous "new year's resolution"..........yes, yes, thats right.......another promise to myself that will inevitably be broken but remains necessary to make myself feel better.........and this resolution is (obviously) to be a better friend......to have time.........to make the phone calls.......to write the letters............just to be available.........

moving past the nostalgia.........feelings of anger.........feelings that i cant escape from no matter how hard i try.......searching for answers that were never given to me.........looking for reasons for why my heart continues to ache..........feelings of anger to myself for not being strong enough to move on in spite of being in the dark..........feeling resentment towards one of my best friends because i still lose sleep occasionally..........again, feeling angry that i allowed someone to have that kind of power over me and sad that a part of me was lost in the fight, a part of me that i'll never get back..........yet all of this has been overshadowed by a light.........a light that i had never seen until all the other lights in my life had burned out..........a light who guides me, loves me, comforts me, understands me, helps me up, lets me fall, and lets me live.........the first light that ive ever seen that im not afraid of going out..........and the only light that lives inside me and beside me no matter what i do........and what ive realized is that it is only through this light that the matters that were never resolved have finally been illuminated........my eyes, and more importantly my heart see now.............they see clearly.........and finally they are listening to my brain..........listening to the fact that in order for me to move on i have to get some answers...........

i dont know whats gonna happen tomorrow or the next day or any day after that........but for now........my develpmental psych book, a fire in the fireplace........and the company of my family

goodnight thoughts..........